Wavering Faith, Choking the Chicken, and Dogs Tales

I need to do this blog. I think of writing and sharing my story pretty much all the time. I am narrating some sort of share all day every day. I have written and not published so much shit. I am going to bounce around and pray that my writing becomes something useful and wonderful. I sat down to write today about something light and unrelated to the fear I carry. Fear, I am told is of the devil. I should pray and give it to God. Have Faith. Faith like mine is built on stories my mother and spiritual leaders have shared. My Faith has no foundation. I do not study my Book. The last time I tried to read the Bible I was in 7th grade. I cried myself to sleep. It was so hard to read. I just did not get it. I leaned heavier into Church or Sunday School or my Mom. I read the children's Bible with my kids with the same 10 stories. I turned off a sermon yesterday on my Mom's phone. It was running and no one was watching it. The sermons are always the same. The readings enough of a glimmer that without being a regular attendee they are kind of a tale... remember this... I will tell you about that... My children should see me read the Bible. Dyslexia and Why does The Book contain so many lineage surface deterrents. It was so hard. NOW!!! Now it is hard and I have made choices that haunt me. What if I study and read and it isn't there? Faith. What if it is gone. What if I am now able to understand and study the Bible and the Romance is Over. Too much Life Lived. Too much Abuse. Too much Torture. The sentence too Long and the Punishment too Severe. Unjust. What if I just cannot hack it? Who do I hand all that shit to without Faith? I do pray my ass off to God. Is it enough that I believed 100% in Jesus as a Child? That I taught my kids to pray in His Name? Life has taught me I do not understand. I do not understand Forgiveness after a certain point. Motherhood has taught me that I am angry with a God who would sacrifice his own son. Throw in the holy trinity and BLAMO, it was really only a 3rd of himself... so what the marvel comics... I think of a Hilter Judas Character. In That Guy's last moments the Bible says he could be forgiven. The truth is I try to think of Hilter, but it is my X's mean fat face (nothing against a fat face unless it is his F@#%ing Fat Face). I do not understand how to deal with this set of cards.

I own four chickens. They should all be hens. I have one beautiful very trusting (in the wild this is called STUPID) Rooster. I am almost sure one rooster, no eggs, yet. A few of the females seem to pseudo-crow. This writing is done before dawn because for two days I have been Choking the chicken. I have no one to laugh at the absurdity of me with my cobwebs repeatedly choking a chicken. I have a 6-year-old. My son is amazing. Pretty much the easiest child ever in some ways. He does not lie. He will do just about anything if you can win a logic battle. An explanation or desired reward is negotiated. He is a saint with safety rules. Not to say he doesn't do his own version of lying. He will passionately not reply, but when pressed he tells the truth amongst many words. We were picking a movie for another family fun night and there is a tiny list that sometimes pops up under the ratings... We looked at about four movies. The fine print stated graphic, violence, adult content, sexual innuendo, blah blah inappropriate blah blah. Why isn't there a level for movies between G and PG A Youth(Y), like tv? So I can feel ok, not Parental Guidance-ing. My first grader read the words. He began to randomly remind me that I told him I would explain the words to him... when I figured out how to do it in an age-appropriate way. This velcro choker collar was supposed to stop or at the least soften the Crows. The collar doesn't seem to work, but it has provided a giggle or three. It is also the perfect example of a "sexual innuendo." I told my small human it was an example of the aforementioned on the PG list and then ran away. Sexy and Sexual Content was difficult enough. I explained that they meant pretty in an adult way, the after puberty and hormones type of pretty. I then asked if he could explain mating (the term in all his science books). He stated it is when animals get married. I processed/washed dishes. Shortly after dawn, both of my Babies are asleep in front of the tree, I sit outside with a Rooster wearing a decorative choker necklace, a harness, and a leash. I breathe in my age, my baggage, and my blessings.

I adjust my giant red flags "normal" people see. I hunch over the scarlet letter of Abuse. The stain a victim or survivor will always carry. Why not make myself just a bit weirder? Ward off the Evil. I would rather be alone. I have do not have the energy or trust in people to reach out even to my oldest friends. I do not remember how to make new Freinds. Romance? If God wants he can find someone just odd enough to enjoy me and see stains as formidable battle scars. This is CoronaChristmas. Possibly the last one my babies are safe from their Dad. The inflictor of damage. One reason I need to write. Two oddly linked Shitty Person Stories to conclude. Random facts. I had my baby dog for 19 years. He went blind at one. I got married when my dog was 11, my son when he was 13, and my daughter when he was 16. This is when we left the abuser. Two years after we left my husband visited. Five times during the hour he visited he asked my son, "Who is that dog?" "I have never met that dog." "What is wrong with his eyes?" Two Years After We Left-15 times. Later that year he filed for divorce and explained down to me that cutting out gluten and getting regular rest cured his Traumatic Brain Injury, TBI, and all of his other health issues. One year later our dog died and the kids told their Dad. The next Conversation and like clockwork after he talks about and makes his dogs bark... Dogs he went to great lengths to hide and lie about. "That is my neighbor's dog." "I am dog sitting." Dogs he did not mention owning for over two years. Why?

The Prepared Traveler

How often do you get to your travel destination and realize you have forgotten something vital, like a hairbrush or a phone charger? Sure, you can run out and buy the thing wherever you are, but I have found a foolproof way to make sure I am prepared for any spur-of-the-moment overnight. I keep a set of certain essentials in my suitcase, always ready to go.

1. A fully stocked toiletry bag. I keep one of everything in here that I use regularly: toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, shower cap, shampoo, conditioner, lotions, cleansers, razor, tweezers, deodorant, etc. I make sure all liquids are in airplane-appropriate containers in case I have it in my carry on bag. Packing cubes make it easy to keep track of everything.

2. A teensy first aid kit and a teensy sewing kit. Probably the first of these came into my life from some very nicely stocked hotel room. But they do come in handy.

3. A raincoat that folds into a tiny packet and/or a travel umbrella. I have one of these RainCaper coats, and love it.

4. A bathing suit and cover up (which might double as a robe or pajamas for your trip). Before this, I can't tell you how many times I have realized that I'd been booked into a hotel with a pool or hot tub and I didn't have the appropriate swimwear. wanted to climb in the

5. A multitool, Swiss Army Knife, or corkscrew and/or bottle opener (put this in checked luggage if you are flying). I learned this lesson on my honeymoon--we were waiting in the hot sun, waiting for the rental agent to come to open our condo, and my new spouse wanted a beer to cool down. Of course, we had no opener!

6. A dirty clothes bag. Could be just a plastic shopping bag, but my Miamica Dirty Laundry bag stays in my suitcase and doesn't get lost.

7. A plastic shopping bag. Folded neatly in the bottom of your suitcase, it won't take up room, but can be used for trash, wet bathing suits, shoes, or a ton of other things.

8. Electronic accessories: charging cords, earbuds. It gets expensive buying these on the fly in airports or gas stations. Watch for sales and then stick them in your suitcase. Then you can leave your good cords at home and not worry about leaving them behind in some random outlet when you are in a hurry.

9. As needed: Spare pantyhose or socks, hair accessories and feminine hygiene products. Travel flat iron, hair dryer.

10. Workout clothes.

Vaccinated or COVID-clear, you are now ready to take off for your next adventure. Have fun!

Expressive Journaling for Trauma

The women sharing their stories here on Our Messy Lives have Seen Some Shit. A lot of it, actually, and we're not just talking about dirty diapers.

We write because we must, and we write because it's good for us.

Writing--preferably while working with a mental health professional--is a powerful strategy for understanding your own emotional trauma. There is a substantial body of research that supports expressive writing to release trauma and improve how we process issues that compromise our quality of life.

Expressive writing can be a private act. The whole point is to turn feelings into words that no one criticizes or tries to shame. In fact, writing just for yourself is cathartic. If you worry that someone will see what you have written, you can destroy it immediately, but the act of writing is important.

Prepare to write

The most important preparation is to find a time and place where you won’t be disturbed.

If you have had serious trauma in your life or have PTSD, be gentle with yourself as you write. Pay attention to whether you are really ready to put pen to paper. Set yourself up in comfortable surroundings, with everything you need for emotional and physical support. We suggest that you pop over to one of our favorite blogs Moon Emissary and read Alicia's advice for creating a safe space for writing about trauma. She says to expect to be triggered, but that the writing should not re-traumatize you. Throughout the writing process, you should check in with yourself and watch for indications that you need to pause the writing. These include changes in breathing, heart rate, mood, and increased anxiety and tension.

Try this method

One way of structuring this kind of writing is the Pennebaker Paradigm. Researchers have found excellent results from this exercise. To follow the protocol, you would use the following prompt, for 20 minutes at a time for 4 days straight. Don't try to fix the feelings that come up. Just write continuously for the allotted time.

Over the next four days, I want you to write about your deepest emotions and thoughts about the most upsetting experience in your life. Really let go and explore your feelings and thoughts about it. In your writing, you might tie this experience to your childhood, your relationship with your parents, people you have loved or love now, or even your career. How is this experience related to who you would like to become, who you have been in the past, or who you are now? Many people have not had a single traumatic experience but all of us have had major conflicts or stressors in our lives and you can write about them as well. You can write about the same issue every day or a series of different issues. Whatever you choose to write about, however, it is critical that you really let go and explore your very deepest emotions and thoughts.

Or something else

Although the Pennebaker Paradigm is very successful, Pennebaker himself says that expressive writing doesn't have to follow those precise rules to have the same health and mental benefits. He suggests that you commit to writing for a minimum of 15 minutes a day for at least three or four consecutive days, or a fixed day and time for several weeks (for example, every Thursday evening for this month). You can choose to write about the same thing in every session or something different each day.

This is more like a brain dump than any writing you would do for school. It is all about the process, not the product of the writing. Once you start writing, you write continuously, not worrying about spelling or grammar, or even making sense. If you run out of things to write about, repeat what you have already written.

Other prompts for expressive writing

You can also start with a simple prompt like, “What feelings are coming up for you today?” By following the same freewriting process for a set amount of time, you can work through some of the emotions that are bubbling up and dump them out on paper. This kind of journaling as a reflective practice can be a great addition to your self-care toolbox.

Decompress Afterwards

Moon Emissary also recommends a decompression routine after spending time exploring trauma. She suggests engaging in positive activities like yoga or being outdoors for at least half an hour after the writing session.

Emotional & Physical Benefits

The mental and physical benefits of expressive writing are clear. When we get the secrets of our pain down on paper, even when no one else reads it, our bodies release pent-up stress. Studies show that expressive writing offers long-term physical benefits, including improved immune function, reduction in blood pressure, lowered heart rate, and, ultimately, a reduced need for physician visits.

"Keeping secrets is physical work"

How does this work? When you keep a secret, you have to work to hold back the words, thoughts, and behaviors related to that secret. That is work for the body maintaining "fight or flight" systems, increasing sweating, heart rates, and the other responses a polygraph test measures. Like all kinds of chronic stress, long-term repression affects all parts of the body-- including musculoskeletal, respiratory, cardiovascular, endocrine, gastrointestinal, nervous, and reproductive systems. The harder you have to work to keep feelings inside, the more physical damage takes place.

Hanging onto our emotional secrets also disrupts thought processes and can cause memory and attention problems. If we don't translate traumatic experiences into words--through writing or talking--our minds have difficulty organizing thoughts about the event. According to Pennebaker & Smith, "One reason we often obsess about a disturbing experience is that we are trying to understand it." While our brains are busy obsessing about trauma, we don't have the bandwidth to think about everyday things. So memory suffers. We have a hard time dealing with everyday tasks. Living life sucks. I'm not saying that writing about your emotions will fix everything that ails you. But you might give it a shot and add it to your coping toolbox.